I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize