OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
