Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
