I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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