Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
