I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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