You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
