Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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