I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
