I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I intend to get homeless drunk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
