If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
