I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
