How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize