he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize