I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
