i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
