u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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