There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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