dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize