Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
