i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
