he shaved USA in his pubs
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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