he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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