I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
