you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
