Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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