he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
