It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Pants are for mortals
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
