The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
