I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
