A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
