All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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