Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
