i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
