I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize