Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
