rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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