Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize