I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
