DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
