burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
