I think my fart just growled at me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
