Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
