Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
