Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize