This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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