The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
