She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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