I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
