You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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