I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Drunk is not a location!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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