At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
