Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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