Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm like, not good at living.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
