id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
