1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
