8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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