if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
