all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
