Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
