If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
