tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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