My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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