dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
