It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
