Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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