Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
