Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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